


Of Love and Regrets

by Rose235b



Series: Never Regret The Decisions You Make [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Awesome Frigga, F/M, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki is a teen mom basically, Lovey-Dovey, Oblivious Thor, Odin's A+ Parenting, Romance, Sleipnir is only briefly mentioned but will play a bigger role later on, childhood friends to confused preteens to in love and aware of it but still friends, happy ending but not in this one, with bad results
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 09:51:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2305442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose235b/pseuds/Rose235b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki spent his years watching Yrsa grow from an impressionable girl to a beautiful, critical young woman who he wished to spend his life with. It was rather unfortunate that she was his mother’s handmaiden’s daughter, thus making his plans rather unattainable. If only he could find a way to change his father’s rules…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Love and Regrets

Our tale starts with a young boy. His name, Loki, was yet to be known outside of Asgard, but in the next hundreds of years he’ll change the life of residents of every realm. But let’s not dwell into this for now.

***

Loki looked at his father with curiosity, eagerly listening to his speech. His older brother, Thor, wasn't as interested in what Odin had to say – he’d have a lot of time to learn about this, he supposed, looking around the room, trying to find something to get rid of his boredom.

“Yggdrasil’s branches support the nine realms” Odin gestured towards the enormous tree, which instead of leaves consisted of what looked like stars in a mist of colors. Loki breathlessly admired the tree, the light of stars reflecting in his green eyes. “The land of Aesir, our home, Asgard, the realm of elves, Alfheim and the land of Vanir, Vanaheim” The boy’s eyes flashed with interest.

“Father?” he turned to Odin. “Isn’t mother of Vanir heritage? Why does she live in Asgard?”

“Vanir used to live in Vanaheim while they were at war with us, Aesir. Since the war ended they’ve lived here alongside us” His father explained, looking down the branches to the middle section of Yggdrasil. “In the middle, as you can see, is Midgard, the realm of mankind. Below Midgard are Nidavellir, the realm of dwarfs, Svartalfheim, the land of dark elves, Jotunheim, the land of frost giants and Muspelheim, the house of fire giants” Odin stared at the later, his gaze focusing on the red agglomeration set the closest to the base of the tree. “The ruts of Yggdrasil emerge into the last realm, Niflheim, the land of dead” Odin turned his gaze from the tree, in turn looking at his children. “One of you is going to protect the realms from chaos and destruction, as the king of Asgard. But to be able to do that, you’ll have to know the people of those worlds, know their heritage, purpose, goals. It’ll take you years to fully understand all of the realms, but I hope you’ll be able to in the future” The Allfather glanced at the tree one more time, before starting to make his way to the throne room. “Meanwhile, I expect you to try your best at learning about at least one of them.”

“Yes, father” Loki answered, nudging Thor with his elbow.

“Of course, father” The blonde boy nodded, sighing with relief once Odin was out of sight. “Thank you, Loki. Somehow father’s lessons bore me more and more with each passing year.”

“I noticed” He rolled his eyes.

“No need to be harsh, brother” Thor pouted. “Would you like to join me in today’s training?”

“Thor, you know I don’t really enjoy the combat training you and your friends seem to love” Answered the boy, frowning. “I’d rather ask mother if she’d be willing to teach me more of her spells.”

“Suit yourself” His brother shrugged, running out to join his comrades.

Loki walked towards his mother’s private library, thinking about his father’s words. He supposed he should ask mother about Vanaheim.

Lost in thoughts, he opened the door to the library, voicing his request.

“First, Loki, I’d like you to meet Yrsa Fullajarsdottir” Loki looked at the girl to Frigga’s right, cursing himself for not noticing her earlier. If he wanted to become a skilled magician in the future he had to sharpen his senses, that’s what his mother told him. “Sadly, Fulla got sick, so young Yrsa came here to inform me of this inconvenience. I asked her if she’d like to take a tour of the palace but sadly, I’m unable to give her one myself, so I proposed that you would act as a guide. I hope you have no objections?”

Loki knew his mother well enough to see right through her plan. She always worried about his lack of companions – while Thor spent his days with Sif, Hogun, Volstagg and Fandral, Loki stayed inside studying magic with her.

He put on one of his finest fake smiles and answered.

“I’d love to, mother.”

“Marvelous” Frigga laid a kiss on Loki’s forehead, the folds of her golden dress hiding Yrsa from his sight long enough for him to convince himself she wasn’t there. He remembered how his mother hugged him in front of Thor’s friends and they teased him mercilessly for years. Of course he didn’t let himself show how it affected him, but he tried to make sure none of his peers were present while his mother showed him affection. “Have fun.”

And with that she walked out, leaving him alone with Yrsa.

“My prince” She curtsied, clumsily raising the skirt of her dress enough to be comfortable while doing so.

Loki felt his face get warmer. The only people who addressed him as such were the servants and his father’s guests. Unlike Thor, he felt uncomfortable hearing the title, especially from the lips of a girl younger than him.

“No need to call me that, Yrsa. I prefer Loki” He weighted his options. He could be unpleasant and scowl at her throughout the whole tour he was supposed to give, but he knew his mother would be severely disappointed. She spent hours on teaching him how to behave in front of women, and he was pretty sure she wouldn’t like to know he was acting like an immature brat.

He decided on the second option: being nice and proper, just as it was expected of him.

He offered the girl his arm in a practiced manner, pretending not to notice her blush.

He felt a weird satisfaction out of telling Yrsa about the history of the palace, he took pride in every breathless gasp she let out, amazed by the beauty of his home. He showed her the Yggdrasil, telling her everything he remembered from his father’s lesson, smiling at how her curious eyes took everything in, sometimes turning her gaze towards him, as if to make sure it was real.

Next, he showed her the courtyard.

It was a huge mistake, seeing as Thor and his friends were still training.

“Well, look who joined us!” The chubby redhead, Volstagg, put down his sword and chuckled. “Prince Loki himself! And in a presence of a lady none the less!”

“Found yourself a fine maiden, aye?” The blond-haired one, Fandral, joined in, his shield long forgotten on the grass.

Loki felt his cheeks redden, his shoulder blades tensing and his back straightening. He was used to their teasing, but with Yrsa and her admiration of his knowledge he felt more embarrassed than normally.

“Stop it!” Sif let go of her sphere, walking over to the boys. Her long hair seemed almost white in the sun. “I think it’s none of your business what Loki does with his beloved.”

He almost liked Sif once. Almost.

He felt surrounded and sadly Thor was too occupied with his sparring with Hogun to notice that Loki even appeared in the courtyard.

Surprisingly, it wasn't his tormentors that spoke then.

“Let’s go, Loki. You said something about the palace library? I’d be honored if you could teach me more about Yggdrasil.”

He felt Yrsa tug him back to the palace with an unexpected strength. In his state of shock he let her guide him without a word of protest.

***

Loki tried to focus on one of the spells his mother recently showed him, waiting for Yrsa to join him. It became quite obvious that the girl understood him better than anyone. Her hunger for knowledge almost matched his, and thanks to his parents’ wisdom he knew enough to teach her about everything she wanted to know.

This morning felt somehow different, though. Yrsa was late.

He heard the door to his mother’s library, the only place in the palace with books full of magic spells and enchantments, open with a moan. He quickly turned his gaze towards the doorway, only to sigh when he saw his mother standing there.

“Loki, I’m afraid you won’t be able to spend the day with Yrsa. The Allfather wants to give you and Thor another lesson.”

“I don’t see why Yrsa couldn’t join us” He said, straightening his tunic and shutting his books closed. “Actually, I think she’d be delighted to learn alongside us.”

Frigga sighed, walking up to her son and getting to her knees to look him in the eyes.

“Love, Yrsa is a daughter of my handmaiden” She brushed his hair from his forehead, smiling sadly. “As much as I’d like for her to be able to attend the lessons with your father, it’s not proper. Although Fulla is my dear friend, it doesn’t change her status” Loki bit the inside of his cheek before he could voice his opinion on that. Although Fulla was a goddess herself, she was still consider lesser than nobles that frequently visited his father. “I don’t like it either, Loki, but that’s just how it is. You’ll have to get used to this.”

***

Loki noticed how much Yrsa changed over the decades while nearing his pubescent years.

It was hard not to. Her admiration of him disappeared, replaced by respect. She was still in awe of his abilities, but it wasn’t as flattering as her previous wonder.

He appreciated her company and found himself seeking it much more often than the one of his brother. While Thor was busy showing off to the young women wandering inside the palace’s grounds, Loki kept searching for more ways to amaze his friend.

Some physical changes also took place. She was nearing his height and her chubby, child-like face slimmed. She started to dress in much more mature gowns with corsets and much more ruffles. Although it seemed unpractical to him, she said she preferred them over the old ones, though it was harder to run around in them, so Loki searched for more games they could play while sitting in the library.

He didn’t notice how much his feelings for her changed until almost a week later. The moment he figured it out his heart rate got out of control, his palms got sweaty and his face felt as if it was on fire. Yrsa placed her delicate hand on his forehead to check if he wasn’t burning up, which only caused the red on his cheeks to deepen. He told her not to worry, but she still voiced her concerns, touching him more often than not, which was absolutely unnecessary while checking if someone was ill.

In the evening he told his mother about it. She merely smiled at him, brushing his hair back and telling him that he will figure out what to do without a problem, before kissing his forehead and blowing out the candles on his bedside table, wishing him a good night.

***

“Why isn’t it a surprise that I always find you here of all places?”

Loki raised his gaze from one of his textbooks, smiling at his friend.

“As if you don’t enjoy learning yourself.”

“Yes, I do, once in a while” Yrsa rolled her eyes, sitting down next to him. “But you spend every waking moment here, in the library. Come on, get out of the palace for at least an hour. You’ll love it, I swear.”

He rolled his eyes but raised himself from his chair, to the delight of his companion.

“Now we just have to make sure you don’t come running back here” Yrsa took a hold of his hand and started to walk towards his mother’s garden. “Tell me, why do you always hide in here?”

“You know why” His voice got colder. “Thor’s comrades don’t really enjoy spending time with me.”

“But that doesn’t mean you should hide in your own house, Loki” She pointed out, maneuvering between the columns. “You’re a prince, you shouldn’t feel as if you can’t walk around the palace freely. It’s your right as an Aesir to be free.”

“Tell me, how many books on law have you read this week?”

“That’s not the point” She looked at him over her shoulder, chuckling. “I read before I go to sleep and when I get bored, not all the time” Yrsa smiled at him. “And although mankind has it’s flaws, their literature on law and law enforcement is interesting.”

“Whatever you say, Goddess of Love.”

“It’s not love, you fool” She elbowed him. “It’s the Goddess of Joy. And say what you want, oh, the mighty God of Mischief, with this silver tongue of yours, but I’d take mine over yours any day.”

“You’re lying and we both know it” Loki smirked. “Don’t you remember that I was there when my father gave you the title? There was a mention of joy, but we both know that was the unimportant part. Let’s be honest, do I look more like a God of Mischief or a God of Lies?”

Yrsa turned to him a warm smile gracing her features. They both knew he excelled at lying, but it was the mischievous spark in his eyes that spoke volumes to her.

“Well, when you look at me, do you see a Goddess of Love? Or is it joy after all?”

Loki complied, staring openly at her face. Her brown hair looked like dark gold in the afternoon sun. Her smile seemed to light up the room, her sapphire eyes shining with glee.

“I’ll admit, I see how much of a happy being you are” He took the last step and let himself enjoy the hotness of the sun on his skin. “But I’ve known you for far too long not to acknowledge the love you have for everything that surrounds you.”

“It’s not love, per se” She sat down on a bench located next to a fountain in a middle of the garden. “I just find the world breathtaking. Everything about it amazes me. It’s more of an admiration.”

Loki found that he himself was prone to find beauty in the simplest of things in Yrsa’s presence, but he also tended to be more distracted. As an adolescent boy, he caught himself staring at his friend more than once, forgetting about the world surrounding him. It made impressing her with his magic problematic, seeing as he couldn’t properly focus on the task at hand.

“Loki? Are you even listening to me?”

The prince shook his head, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“I apologize, I was simply lost in thoughts.”

“I see” Yrsa smiled, cocking her head to the side. “What is troubling you, if you don’t mind sharing?”

He turned his gaze to the fountain.

“You.”

“I’m troubling you?”

“No, no” He shook his head, looking into her eyes. “I just can’t get you out of my mind.”

“Loki” Her normally pale skin flushed red, her voice full of regret. “Stop.”

“I don’t want to” He tried to catch her stare, but she just closed her eyes, swallowing.

“We both know we can’t engage in a relationship” She tried to smile but failed miserably. “It’s a miracle I even get to spent time with you.”

“I’m a prince of this realm” He took a hold of her hand. “I can do what I want.”

“No you cannot” She pulled her hand out of his grip. “It’s not a problem solved with power, it’s a social standard. That’s how our society works. Simple girls don’t marry princes, that’s how it always was and always will be” Although her words cut him like knives, her voice was gentle. She wasn’t saying it out of spite, or even because it angered her – Yrsa was simply stating a fact, the one he tried to avoid thinking about. “Either way, you’ll probably end up betrothed to some high class elf from Alfheim. I heard that Alfheim’s women’s beauty is unlike any other.”

“I don’t want another.”

“Loki, just stop” She sighed, smiling sadly. “Stop acting like a mere child. You’re almost off age. In five years you’re gonna join Thor in battle. Maturity is expected of you at this age” That seemed to hurt the most of her words. As if it was his maturity that was keeping them apart. “Not everything can be solved just by you wanting it to be. Not everything is gonna be as you want it to.”

Was it sadness in her eyes? Was he really that pitiful? She felt sorry for him, as if he was delusional, as if she didn’t feel what he was feeling.

But maybe she wasn’t.

Loki never thought she’d feel differently. He always assumed she was as enchanted by him as he was by her. That was the one outcome he never took into consideration.

Not until now.

“You don’t want me” Yrsa looked down at her hands, getting up.

“Loki, it doesn’t matter whether I want you or not-”

“Yes it does!” He raised his voice, forcing her to look at him by tugging her down onto the bench. She bit her tongue. No matter how Loki acted, she couldn’t forget – he was still royalty.

“Loki, although we can’t even wish for a relationship, I do find you worthwhile. Does that satisfy you?” She got her dress out of his grip with a sharp tug. “I… I can’t even tell you how… I can’t possibly… I… Ugh!” She put her head in her hands, chuckling. “Oh, turns out I could use your silver tongue after all” She straightened her back and took a deep breath, staring straight into his eyes. “As you already pointed out, I’m a Goddess of Love. It means those Midgardians, they pray to me, directly to me. I hear all of their pleads – they ask for blessings, for their babes to be healthy when they’re born, for the ones they fell for to feel the same way, but… I can’t guarantee that. I’m just there for them to have hope, to believe that they have a say in the way their fate works. The truth is, they don’t. I don’t. Even you can’t change anyone’s fate, your own included” Yrsa smiled. “Oh, how I wish I could. How I wish I could end all those pleas with just satisfying those Midgardians. How I wish I could spent my life with you, how I wish I could love you without the pain it brings me everyday. I’d spent years on my knees, begging the Allfather if it would make a change” She put her hand on his cheek. “But long ago, I realized that it would mostly annoy him, instead of changing anything.”

He took her hand off of his face, cradling it in his. Loki sighed before licking his lips.

“Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t… Myself.”

“I don’t” She nudged his knee with her own. “Your family, your upbringing, your royal heritage… It all shaped you into Loki Odinson, the prince of Asgard, a marvelous sorcerer, my childhood friend, my love” He couldn’t help himself, he cracked a smile. “As I said, we can’t change fate, so we shouldn’t spend our lives thinking about the ‘what if’s. I’d rather spend it with you, for a long as I can, as long as they’ll let me.”

***

Two years later, Loki gave birth to Sleipnir.

Yrsa never asked about what happened or why. She knew that Sleipnir was taken away from Loki almost immadently after birth, but sometimes Loki convinced his father to let him play with his son. Sleipnir was incredibly slender for his age and whenever he got scared or sneezed, he would take a shape of an eight-legged, silver horse. Whenever Loki spent time with him, she found herself sitting nearby, watching him with a smile.

And while the days Loki got to spend with Sleipnir were the best ones, the ones following were the worst. He would just sit in the library, staring straight ahead, not even pretending to be captivated by a book, his eyes lacking their usual fire. Those days reminded her that she made the right decision – if Loki got onto Allfather’s bad side by disrespecting his will, he’d surely never get to see Sleipnir again.

***

When Loki finally came off age, the whole of Asgard was celebrating. Except for Loki himself, of course. He sat in his mother’s library, making notes about one of the complex enchantments his mother recently showed him. He was practically as good as her by now, but every now and again she surprised him with another lesson, showing him something he’s never even seen before, reminding him how much he had yet to learn.

He knew what coming of age meant – his father will start to dangle beautiful, noble, meaningless women in front of his face, trying to make him at least look at them with something other than disdain. But he won’t even care about them, because none of them were Yrsa.

His beautiful, loving, wise Yrsa, with her brown hair and dark blue eyes, small height and full figure.

How was he supposed to forget her, when she was everything he ever wanted?

“Even today, of all days, you’re here” He looked up from his notes. There she was, in a green – green – gown, a fond smile on her face.

Loki stood up, putting his hand on her waist.

“I quite like the colour change” He smirked.

“You might think that all of Asgard would know who’s feast it is, but I seem to be one of a few wearing green” She took his hand off of her dress, instead placing her hand on the inside of his elbow. “I think it’s expected of you to actually show up.”

“Only if I get a dance.”

“Oh, with you by my side I might even dance the night away.”

How was he supposed to stop loving her and find himself another?

Dancing with her pressed up against his chest, he found a solution. With a mischievous smirk he eyed his father’s throne.

He just might have to ensure he’s Allfather’s first choice.

***

Thor and Loki were on an adventure, just as if they were in their adolescence years, sneaking off for a day every once in awhile without telling their mother or their friends, only speaking of it to brag. The fight in Jotunheim didn’t turn out to be anything worth bragging, though.

One of the Jotun warriors seized him and the deathly cold of his skin started to inflict pain on Loki’s arm, before something broke in him and instead of feeling any pain, his hand turned the same blue the giants’ skin was.

Loki’s eyes widened, a thought he buried in the back of his mind so many years before hitting him once again – maybe he was different than his parent’s led him to believe.  
It could only be a trick, of course, some kind of defensive spell he subconsciously threw, but it made too much sense to dismiss.

Was that why father took away Sleipnir?

They went back to Asgard, Thor and Odin fighting, Loki in complete silence. He didn’t even react when Allfather banished his brother – brother? – and went back to the palace, not noticing his surroundings, as if he was alone in the world.

“What were you even thinking?”

Loki wasn’t expecting to find Yrsa waiting for him in his chamber.

“I-I-”

“A trip to Jotunheim? After the fiasco that was Thor’s coronation? Could you kindly explain to me what was your plan, cause I can see from the look on your face it must have went marvelous-”

“They don’t bother me” Loki took a deep breath. “The Jotuns and their cold, as if we were akin.”

“Loki-”

“And I-I know mother loves me, but father was always distant and I’d love to believe I just happened to be the only one with black hair in the history of the royal family of Asgard, but it might not be the case.”

They stared at each other in silence.

“Loki, no matter what you find out, it will change nothing between us, do you understand? Nothing.”

***

That was the first night he ever laid with a woman, the first night he shared with Yrsa. In the whims of passion she seemed to forget her vow of never speaking of her love for him again. She clung to him with her small, delicate hands, her lips brushing his neck with every gasp she let out. He held her equally tight, whispering sweet words into her hair, knowing that it was probably his last chance to do it – her determination might have disappeared in the face of his vulnerability, but she won’t let anything get to her for the second time. So he told her everything he ever wanted her to hear, but what she refused to listen to through all these years. The way her beauty captivated him, the things he admired in her, the future he wanted for them. And when the passion dimmed and gave way to exhaustion, he pulled her even closer to his body, burring his nose in her brown locks, her sweet breath tickling his chest, her heart beating so close to his arm wrapped around her body.

“I love you so much, Loki” She whispered, her finger tracing the hair on his arms. “I… I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do now.”

Her voice cracked and he found himself afraid she’ll disappear, walk out of his chamber and never come back, too scared of getting hurt more than she already got after getting so close to him.

“Just sleep, my love” He kissed the crown of her head. “I love you.”

She inhaled slowly, closing her eyes and before he knew it she was in deep slumber, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He couldn’t get himself to sleep, so instead he focused on the light of candles dancing through Yrsa’s hair, her small lips and the equally small snores that passed them, making him chuckle.

He wished every moment of his life could be that blissful, that full of hope.

***

He wasn’t really asleep when she awoke, his eyes only half closed and focused on her every move. She untangled herself from his arms, putting her gown back on and trying to fasten every buckle and tie every knot she had to for it to not fall apart. Then she walked over to his wardrobe and took out a simple, black robe, putting it on. She seemed to fight with herself, before walking back to his bed. The contrast struck him – he was right there laying, pretending to be asleep, still naked and probably an exact picture of the previous night, but she was standing above him, physically close but farther away than she ever was, fully dressed, pain and regret on her face. He could see the tears that rolled down her cheeks out of the corner of his eye.

She leaned towards him, leaving a hesitant kiss on his cheek, one of her tears landing on his neck and sliding down. He stopped himself from wiping it away, knowing it was her moment – her decision affecting her life – and he couldn’t invade it. During all these years Yrsa never let herself cry in front of him, and he respected that.

She blew out the candles and left his chamber, the lingering smell of her perfume and the warmth of the sheets beside him the only evidence of the previous night.

***

When the Allfather’s fallen ill, Loki – thanks to Thor’s banishment - took over the role of the ruler of Asgard. And the first thing he did, he asked Yrsa to come see him in the throne room.

“My prince” She bowed her head, wary of the guards surrounding them.

“You may leave us alone” He addressed them, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. When the guards left, he got off the throne and walked down the stairs, smiling. “My love.”

“I see you’ve found something to occupy you other than books” She smiled slightly, but he could feel the tease was flat and forced, lacking it’s usual heat.

“Indeed I did” He nodded. “Sadly, my father’s condition isn’t changing at all, so I might be stuck on the throne for quite awhile. But it’s not why I wanted to talk to you” He took her hand and held it in both of his. “Now, with the power invested in me by the Allfather, I can finally change our future for the better.”

“Loki” She sighed, tugging her hand out of his grasp. “I told you. It’s not only the matter of law, it’s a matter or social standards.”

“Oh, I know that” He smiled brightly. “And I can fix it, by doing one simple thing” His shoulder started to slightly shake, as if he was holding in laughter.

“What simple thing?”

“I can give you the honour of being a Dame.”

She froze, not really sure what to say.

“Yrsa? My love?”

“Loki, the Allfather’s gonna be angry” She bit her lip. “He wants you to marry a woman who was born with honours, not received them so you could have your way.”

“Tell me, oh, the Goddess of Love, why should I let my father dictate my romantic life?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I personally think you should know better.”

Yrsa knew she had no chance of changing his mind.

“You’ll do as you please anyway, Loki” She bowed once again, her words cold and practiced. “Goodbye, my prince.”

***

She received the honours the following night.

***

Yrsa wasn’t one for looking back and wondering what would happen if she didn’t make a certain decision or do a certain thing. Especially when it came to Loki Odinson.

She never regretted falling in love with him, couldn’t find it in herself to resent something as beautiful as infatuation. Simply because, as he loved to point out, she was a Goddess of Love and Joy.

It all changed when Thor approached her a couple of days after the night she’d rather forget but could never regret.

“Lady Yrsa” He called out, running up to her. She couldn’t quite get used to others addressing her as a ‘Lady’ or a ‘Dame’ now, but turned to the enormous man none the less.

“Yes, my prince?” She bit the inside of her cheek, forcing a smile onto her face. She didn’t even know he came back from his banishment, but maybe Loki changed his mind about his brother. That, or the Allfather has awoken.

“I’m incredibly sorry” His eyes were full of pain and sincerity.

Yrsa felt her hands tremble.

“What happened?”

“Loki fell off the Bifrost.”

She could see Thor’s lips move, but no other sound reached her ears. She stood there, speechless, staring at the warrior prince, her thoughts running a mile a minute.

She immediately regretted every decision, every moment she thought she shouldn’t express her love for him. The talk only days before, when he told her his plan for making their shared future happen and she ignored it. The fact that she left his chambers after their first - and, how did it pain her to say, only - night. All the kisses they could have shared, all the times they could confess their feelings freely and didn’t, because she would refuse to hear it. She could feel the longing for Loki that followed her around for the last couple of days grow so big it pained her heart to know they’ll never see each other again. Once you feel into the abyss, into the cold, dark space bellow, there was no way back. Even Heimdall couldn’t see you there.

***

There was a funeral held the next day, but with no body to burn, no boat to set off into the waters surrounding Asgard, it didn’t show her the reality of the situation properly. Of course Frigga’s sobs were real, of course Thor’s tears were real, but they didn’t hit her hard enough to bring her out of her catatonic state.

***

And there she was, months later, still not believing her lover was dead, when it turned out he wasn’t dead at all – no, he was perfectly fine, bringing death and destruction to Midgard. 

She couldn’t really feel anything about his violent behavior, because the only thing that echoed in her head, was that he was alive. She felt so relieved, as if she could finally breathe again, and couldn’t stop grinning like a complete lunatic.

***

When Loki finally came back to Asgard, he was in shackles and his lips were sealed until he was transported into the palace. She couldn’t get close to him, although her title was accepted by Odin himself when he finally awoke. Only when he was taken to his cell, did Frigga pity her enough to snuck her into the dungeons.

He was, as always, a sight to behold. Even imprisoned he was full of grace, the fire in his eyes still as fierce and free as if he was strutting through the palace grounds instead of a cell.

She stood there, not saying a single word, only taking him in – how she missed his hair as dark as night, his eyes the colour of the grass that grew in his mother’s gardens, his perfect skin, powerful voice, captivating smile… She felt as if she could stare at him forever.

“Lady Yrsa” He smiled, the fire in his eyes turning from a wildfire into a warm, delicate flame. “As beautiful as ever, if not more. There’s a new glow I’ve never seen around you – have you forgotten me and found a more rightful lover?”

“Your words, though they’re said kindly, hurt me more than the worst profanities this world has to offer” Her hands were clasped so tight she could almost feel her nails prick the skin. “Whatever happened to make you do this, Loki?”

“I’m afraid it’s love” He took a couple steps closer to the wall of his cell. “The one I had for you, Thor, Odin, Frigga, Asgard…I gave you all love and got nothing in return. It can bring the brightest mind to madness.”

“That’s a lie if I ever heard one” Yrsa followed his example, stepping close enough to the wall to hear it’s magical buzz. “You gave me love and I gave you everything I could in return, though it wasn’t much. Frigga raised you like her own, Loki. She loves you even more than I do. Thor always treated you with kindness and love, like an brother should. You were the prince of Asgard, my love, you had a loving family and you let it all go to waste, because you couldn't listen to me all those years ago” She took a deep breath and stepped away, feeling dizzy and nauseous. “I could live with the pain of loving you, Loki, by only getting to spend a little time in your company. For me there could be no other, but you could have just let your father get what he wanted.”

“He’s not my father.”

“That’s not the point” Yrsa smiled sadly, knowing it was probably the last time she’ll ever see him. “You could have learned to love a beautiful aristocrat and find happiness at her side. You could have spared me so much pain, you could have spared all of us so much pain, just by, for once, playing by the rules. We could have been happy, you with your wife, me knowing you were satisfied” She bit her lip, swallowing the bill that rose to her throat. “But now, I guess it’s the time to say goodbye.”

“Yrsa-”

“I can’t come here, Loki. Not if I want us both to stay sane” She looked him straight in the eyes. “Farewell, my love.”

She turned around, making sure steps towards the entrance.

“Yrsa, wait!” She rarely heard him raise his voice, so she stopped mid-step. “Is it true? That there’s no other?”

“Yes. And there never will be” Her words were powerful and sure. She walked out, leaving behind her hopeful dreams of a future full of love and content.


End file.
